Recently I spoke to an old friend of mine who has unapologetically cheated on his wife. This did not come as a shock or surprise to me since I was once, at the age of 18, the apple of his wandering eye. I never slept with him or engaged in a relationship but at one time I did believe we would have had something wonderful had he not been married. We are not as close as we once were as the frustration of him wanting me as a bit on the side and me resisting knowing that I would never be that type of girl took its toll on our friendship. Now we only speak occasionally, checking in to make sure each other is alright and the most recent conversation took an interesting turn when he revealed his indiscretion.
His wife, I have no doubt, knows he is not to be trusted. Without going into the details of their marriage trust is definitely not a key element. So why do so many of us fall into the trap of being with a man all for the thrill of being the one who tames him?
This lead me to reflect on my past relationships and why I am struggling to feel a connection to the man I am dating at the moment. My relationships be them short or long have always had two key elements. The men have always needed “fixing” and have always taken more than they have given in terms of emotional support.
In summary the history of single girl’s relationships goes like this….
1. At the age of 15 I dated a 21 year old youth worker, YOUTH WORKER! Who unsurprising it turned out had a thing for younger girls but always kept it legal. When I suspected he has cheated on me, he proposed! And I as the simpering teenager said yes, but he was a vile nasty person who could turn very easily. Que engagement party, que wising up, que breaking up.
2. At 19 I dated an out of work but fairly known actor with serious abandonment issues who needed constant praise and attention. His childhood acting career had left him behind with no direction in life, he was compulsive, needy and possessive. I lapped it up for a short while determined to “fix” him then realised how much of my time and energy was being spent on him and I ended it.
3. At 21 I met the job seeker, a nice normal guy who was my age, lived a stone’s throw away and was friends with all my friends already, we fell madly in love. He worked as a waiter but wanted to find a “proper” job. He was sweet, romantic and caring. I wrote his CV’s applied for jobs for him and generally did the running for him to find said job. Then we moved in together and I made the mistake of wanting to play “housewife” for a while. So four years on I was dating someone who went from job to job because he couldn’t keep them, spent more time on his playstation than with me, who thought that cooking, cleaning and the weekly shop were all for me to do and who on a Friday night would go out drinking with the latest workmates and come home being abusive.
4. The cheater, who I met through work whilst I dealt with the breakup of myself and the job seeker. Considerably older than me, we began dating a few months after my break up. We had a lot in common and really seemed to get each other, something clicked and I was totally in love with him.
His opinion was the only thing that mattered, his problems were my problems and he became my whole world. His friends and family were happy, they liked me and said they had not seen him so happy for years, eating more, drinking less and more like his old self. Unfortunately I was not his whole world and he could not stay away from his ex.
His ex who harassed me for weeks via text and phone call and told me all sorts of home truths that I didn’t want to know, which he of course denied to the death. He saw me distraught at these allegations and promised, having seen how it would affect me he would never do such a thing and I defended him to anyone who dared question his motives. Until I snooped and found out it was all true.
Even then I couldn’t bear to let him go, he needed me to help him after all and so I tried to forgive him. What followed was a year of the highest highs and the lowest lows, my health, physical and mental, suffered and although he made the right noises he continued to mess it up, inevitably I would find out and the wound of his indiscretion would reopen. In turn I drank more and ate less until I didn’t recognise myself, hadn’t socialised for months and became a wreck of a person so untrusting and deluded that he needed me to be strong for the both of us, strong enough to withstand even his cheating. But the last straw came eventually before I really did put myself in an early grave. But this, more so than any other breakup, truly broke my heart and is still a struggle to this day.
“You would be the first woman to cure a man by love”
Source unknown
What has brought about this realisation that I go for the wrong kind of man is that recently I have met someone who on paper is none of these things. He is a lovely, simple guy who is quite happy in life, happy in his job, seems to think that I am great and had no problem telling me so and treating me in the way those who love me have said I deserve.
I’m not an idiot, it is early days and this could of course just be the honeymoon period that everyone experiences. He could be harbouring some deep emotional issues that I am not yet aware of and I could be falling into the same trap as before. In fact based on historical events I’m pretty sure there must be something!
But that aside because I don’t believe in dating someone new and presuming the worst. I also don’t think it is fair for someone to have to deal with the fall out of what someone else did to well and truly fuck you up.
My problem with this guy is that I do not get the rush of excitement I’ve had previously. I am not sure if, because of The Cheater, I have a huge wall in the way of my emotions and that’s why I cannot feel the way that I should feel about him or whether it is because I am not attracted to this man because he is not an arsehole.
That remains to be seen but what I do know is that I definitely have an arsehole tendency, I’m drawn to them, often without realising it, then I end up in a relationship that I swore would be nothing like the last.
So until they invent some sort of arsehole rehabilitation programme for me to go on I think this is one I am going to have to figure out on my own. Unless any readers have any good advice for me?
Until next time
Love
SG
X
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