Desperate just aint sexy

So after explaining to Greg that I no longer wanted to see him because he is, putting is nicely, too needy, Greg takes the only option available to him. Hounding me.

Now I know this sounds harsh but if a woman were to behave the way Greg has it would be grounds for relationship dismissal with the male declaring her a bunny boiler.

I have locked Jay Jay safely in the house…

 So after I made it very plain to Greg that I didn’t want to see him again he would not take no for an answer. I had told him I was busy after he asked me to meet him or speak to him on the phone, I’d explained that I had a family dinner and couldn’t talk. Greg called me anyway, whilst I was on the train home. It’s impossible to reaffirm to someone that you no longer want to see them on the crowded carriage of the C2C from London Fenchurch Street.

So I told him gently that I felt we were too different and wanted different things. As we finish the conversation he says “Ok look, I’ll just see you Friday”

Er what? No you won’t I am afraid because I do not want to see you. I practically hiss down the phone that I will speak to you later said quite pointedly because he is now just disregarding what I am telling him.

And that’s been the problem with Greg over all in the last few weeks, below is a translation in the world of Greg

Gal Single says	Greg Hears
I’m just happy to date and keep it casual	I want to be your girlfriend, I just might need some convincing
I am not looking to get into a serious relationship too quickly	If you show me how open you are to being in a relationship so soon I will change, because I am a damaged little butterfly in need of fixing
I don’t want to be accountable to someone at this stage, I enjoy my freedom	Feel free to ask where I am, what I am doing and who I am with at any point during the day
I don’t think we are well suited and should end things now as I don’t see a future in it	I want to see you this weekend.
I’m sorry I don’t think this is going to work out	Marry me MAAAARRRYYYYY MEEEEE

I get a long text message explaining that he knows I am scared and have been hurt etc etc like I am his little project to fix, and that he is happy to just date and see how things go. But he is not, I know he is not because of how he is behaving, he wants to be with someone because he doesn’t want to be alone. I’m not bashing him for that we have all been there but I’m just not in that place.

Then I get a text informing me that this may be the last text he ever sends me and won’t I think about it, sleep on it, he is sure I will change my mind, the text is so long it is delivered in two parts. And it is not the last text..

Then I get another text informing me that he can still smell my perfume on the pillow at his friend’s house where we crashed the other night.

These are not the words of someone who is happy to just date and be casual.

I left it till this morning to reply, mainly because I didn’t want to be seen to be replying straight away and also because I couldn’t be bothered with the argument. But not to be a complete bitch I feel I have to say something to him.

I text him this morning and informed him that he is not a no good idiot (his words, never mine!) that I didn’t think this of him at all he just needed to meet a girl who wanted the same things as him and that’s not me, no matter how nice he is I have to be honest with him sooner rather than later.

I’m not sure if I will hear from him again and I’m hoping he’ll get the message because I don’t want to have to be cruel to him for him to understand.

So I am back on the dating scene with my usual gusto. Sister-single wants to set me up on a blind date with a guy who works at the same homeless shelter as her, so I’ve told her to go ahead if she wants to pursue it.

I’ve also been asked to guest blog on a new dating/social networking concept in London, more details to follow on that…

Until next time

Love

SG

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Butterflies and Moonbeams and Zebras and Fairy tales

Old Greg has sadly met his end.

Despite saying all the right things about not pushing things into a relationship too fast, I have come to realise that Greg truly means them about as much as I truly believe that shoes should be worn for comfort and not to cut off the circulation in your feet.

This past weekend Greg had invited me to a Halloween party which excited me greatly as coming from a catholic family we never really celebrated it or got dressed up.

His friends had offered us a bed for the night at their place which was nearby. The female half of this couple actually gave me a sly “nudge nudge wink wink” about it being very private in their loft conversation. Have no fear my first dalliance with Greg was not going to be pissed at his mate’s house.

Anyway we had a great time; he dropped me back to mine on Sunday and popped in to my house to watch a film etc all very nice cuddling and being lazy on a Sunday-ish. Here is the problem:

The area we were visiting, where his friends live have cheap houses, so much so that I commented that I would look to buy in that area when I saved my deposit. He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t like the area and that he cannot see himself buying a house alone in the future. This might sound harmless, I’m not sure, but it sounded like he was saying that if all went well we could buy together but not in that area. TOOOOOO much….

Come Monday afternoon and he sends me a text asking if he can come round on Tuesday and watch a film or something. Bearing in mind I saw him on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I’ve only had Monday night to myself. We had already arranged to see each other on the Friday and he knew I had plans on Wednesday and Thursday. When does a single girl get a little time to herself?

Fast forwarding to Tuesday he sends me a message in the morning which I see flash up on my phone, something like “morning beautiful etc etc” nothing actually needing me to reply. Come 1pm I get a text saying that I am either really busy or really unsociable but either way still very beautiful. This is the needy text message equivalent of a toddler trying to get your attention by pissing on the floor.

I then get an email asking me about a night out in a few weeks’ time and am I free on this particular date?

WHAT HAPPENED TO TAKING IT SLOW?

Firstly I do not appreciate being called unsociable by someone who doesn’t have the social skills to realise that to call someone that might be rude.

Secondly I have explained to Greg several times that I do not send messages whilst at work, because I’m working, earning a living, earning a crust WORKING. If you were meant to dick about on your phone all day they would call it FUN not work.

Thirdly part of taking things slowly is not booking me almost a month in advance for an event, planning Christmas or birthdays or even New Year.

So I sent Greg a message explaining this in a much less aggressive way. He asks me to meet him, he asks me to call him, after a bit of back and forth emailing I explained that he is coming at things from a different direction than me and I don’t want any of that. I explain that I don’t have much to say other than what I have said before and that I am busy.

So there cannot be any going backward on Greg, Greg has to be over and done with. I can’t stick around to see if butterflies develop just because he is a nice guy, it wouldn’t be fair to him. Ok and also because he was starting to drive me mad.

So I’ve learnt the lesson that I don’t want someone who wants to live in my pocket, and I do want butterflies and moonbeams, at least at the start of something.

If they are not there at the beginning then take your wee net and look elsewhere girls.

Love

SG

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Cheeky Cheeky

Now to explain what is happening with Cheeky Face, who I am going to call Greg.

Greg and I have been dating since Viva BazVegas and these are the main points to know:

·         Until last year he lived with his childhood sweetheart and had two children with her.

·         She cheated on him, he left, and has been single since then.

·         He lives with his mother (as do I) as renting anywhere near London is impossible on one salary.

·         He had a stable job he enjoys, a decent social circle and regular hobbies

Now the children thing bothered me, I didn’t want to date anyone with children as I don’t have any. Greg has made it clear that he would not introduce anyone to his children who was not going to be a permanent fixture. Well that’s just fine by me because I don’t feel ready to deal with someone else’s children at the moment.

But I liked Greg enough to keep seeing him and after a couple of weeks I took him to two events that I had coming up.

First was Dick’s birthday, a local curry house, nothing too fancy or scary for Greg as I discovered he is a bit shy around new people. One of Greg’s plus points is that he has a gay friend. To anyone who doesn’t understand why this is so important allow me to enlighten you.

Most straight men I have met find gay men very hard to relate to. It’s not that they cannot talk to them about cars and football and all the usual stuff guys talk about. Where straight men struggle to understand gay men is that they like cock and they don’t like pussy. That has always seemed to be a stumbling block for the straight men I have met and introduced to my gay family of Dick and Dom.  

I’m not saying all straight men are homophobic, not at all, but there always seems to be a bit of a division. So Greg having a gay friend was very welcome because it means he is able to accept the cock vs pussy debate and not let it affect a friendship.

The other event I took him to was Gascoigne’s son’s birthday. This was critical as Gascoigne is the oracle when it comes to dating. Now the party was in the afternoon and I suggested we stay in the seaside town and make a night of it. Hotel booked it all seemed to be shaping up nicely.

Greg then said that his friend lived in the same town and had invited us both to go to a live music venue with him and his girlfriend. Perfect, I love like music and the whole night was looking good.

That night the male half of the couple we were to go out with turned up alone. He’d had a row with his Mrs so what transpired was not the nice couples night I had thought it would be but more of a lads night out with me in tow. So I drank beer happily and made the best of it, his friend is actually a great laugh.

Now without going into too much detail due to the amount of beer consumed and the fact that I seemed to be able to handle it much better than Greg, who drives everywhere, the night did not end the way I had hoped and it was very much a let-down.

I made no secret of the fact that I was pissed off as we drove home the next day and told Greg on no uncertain terms that if what I wanted was a drunken careless fumble I would have slept with the first guy in a nightclub that offered but I am not that type of girl and in a bedroom situation I expect more from someone.

Now that may sound mean given that he was drunk but this was the first night we stayed together and I had expected to be made to feel special. I also believe that starting out on the right foot and making your position about certain things clear is vital so that everyone knows where they stand.

Greg was mortified about being so drunk and very grateful that I am not one for dragging out a bad mood all day but he did say he wanted to make it up to me.

I didn’t see him for nearly a week after that due to working and generally being busy. When I did see him I did not have any excitement at all. No butterflies in the tummy, nothing and it dawned on me that I had not felt that at all since meeting him. I wasn’t excited when a text came through, nothing.

Now to explain I had already told Greg that he was too keen, he texts too much, he was just being a bit full on and he seemed to take that on board at first but since the night that never was he had gone back to texting a lot, perhaps because he thought I might be changing my mind about him. He’d be right.

No bigger turn off is there than someone who is too available to you to quickly, I always think.

So on the night of no butterflies I found myself in an extremely tricky position, I had planned to have a nice date night with him and try and figure out the butterflies’ situation when I wasn’t in such a tizz. No such luck though because he brought the “making it up to me” issue up and offered to take me for a weekend away.

So I did what any girl who was unsure about her feelings would do. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore.

I know that sounds horrible but I didn’t want him spending money to go away for a weekend when I might very well get there and regret being there. Whatever shag fest he has planned I have well and truly gone cold on and so I told him that I thought he was more into me that I was too him and said that we should stop seeing each other.

Sensible you may think but it didn’t last long. I missed his company and oddly started feeling that I may have made a huge error. So when he text me saying that he knew that perhaps he had tried to push me to fast and that he was happy to date and see how things went it was music to my ears and I told him that whilst I did like him I didn’t want to take things to fast.

I told him how I felt and how I wasn’t sure of my feelings and that I did not want to lead him on. I told him that whilst socialising with friends is fine and meeting family members was inevitable given that we both live at home I didn’t want to rush into meeting extended family or anything like that. The weekend away is definitely on hold.

So that brings you up to date on the dating situation. I’ve invited him round for dinner on Friday and we’ll see how it goes.

I need to work out where the butterflies have gone and whether I can get them back, or if they are just waiting for the right person and Greg is just not it.

Until next time

Love

SG

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Women Love a Dog

Recently I spoke to an old friend of mine who has unapologetically cheated on his wife. This did not come as a shock or surprise to me since I was once, at the age of 18, the apple of his wandering eye. I never slept with him or engaged in a relationship but at one time I did believe we would have had something wonderful had he not been married. We are not as close as we once were as the frustration of him wanting me as a bit on the side and me resisting knowing that I would never be that type of girl took its toll on our friendship. Now we only speak occasionally, checking in to make sure each other is alright and the most recent conversation took an interesting turn when he revealed his indiscretion.

His wife, I have no doubt, knows he is not to be trusted. Without going into the details of their marriage trust is definitely not a key element. So why do so many of us fall into the trap of being with a man all for the thrill of being the one who tames him?

This lead me to reflect on my past relationships and why I am struggling to feel a connection to the man I am dating at the moment. My relationships be them short or long have always had two key elements. The men have always needed “fixing” and have always taken more than they have given in terms of emotional support.

In summary the history of single girl’s relationships goes like this….

1.    At the age of 15 I dated a 21 year old youth worker, YOUTH WORKER! Who unsurprising it turned out had a thing for younger girls but always kept it legal. When I suspected he has cheated on me, he proposed! And I as the simpering teenager said yes, but he was a vile nasty person who could turn very easily. Que engagement party, que wising up, que breaking up.

2.    At 19 I dated an out of work but fairly known actor with serious abandonment issues who needed constant praise and attention. His childhood acting career had left him behind with no direction in life, he was compulsive, needy and possessive. I lapped it up for a short while determined to “fix” him then realised how much of my time and energy was being spent on him and I ended it.

3.    At 21 I met the job seeker, a nice normal guy who was my age, lived a stone’s throw away and was friends with all my friends already, we fell madly in love. He worked as a waiter but wanted to find a “proper” job. He was sweet, romantic and caring. I wrote his CV’s applied for jobs for him and generally did the running for him to find said job. Then we moved in together and I made the mistake of wanting to play “housewife” for a while. So four years on I was dating someone who went from job to job because he couldn’t keep them, spent more time on his playstation than with me, who thought that cooking, cleaning and the weekly shop were all for me to do and who on a Friday night would go out drinking with the latest workmates and come home being abusive.

4.    The cheater, who I met  through work whilst I dealt with the breakup of myself and the job seeker. Considerably older than me, we began dating a few months after my break up. We had a lot in common and really seemed to get each other, something clicked and I was totally in love with him.

His opinion was the only thing that mattered, his problems were my problems and he became my whole world. His friends and family were happy, they liked me and said they had not seen him so happy for years, eating more, drinking less and more like his old self. Unfortunately I was not his whole world and he could not stay away from his ex.

His ex who harassed me for weeks via text and phone call and told me all sorts of home truths that I didn’t want to know, which he of course denied to the death. He saw me distraught at these allegations and promised, having seen how it would affect me he would never do such a thing and I defended him to anyone who dared question his motives. Until I snooped and found out it was all true.

Even then I couldn’t bear to let him go, he needed me to help him after all and so I tried to forgive him. What followed was a year of the highest highs and the lowest lows, my health, physical and mental, suffered and although he made the right noises he continued to mess it up, inevitably I would find out and the wound of his indiscretion would reopen. In turn I drank more and ate less until I didn’t recognise myself, hadn’t socialised for months and became a wreck of a person so untrusting and deluded that he needed me to be strong for the both of us, strong enough to withstand even his cheating. But the last straw came eventually before I really did put myself in an early grave. But this, more so than any other breakup, truly broke my heart and is still a struggle to this day.

“You would be the first woman to cure a man by love”

Source unknown

What has brought about this realisation that I go for the wrong kind of man is that recently I have met someone who on paper is none of these things. He is a lovely, simple guy who is quite happy in life, happy in his job, seems to think that I am great and had no problem telling me so and treating me in the way those who love me have said I deserve.

I’m not an idiot, it is early days and this could of course just be the honeymoon period that everyone experiences. He could be harbouring some deep emotional issues that I am not yet aware of and I could be falling into the same trap as before. In fact based on historical events I’m pretty sure there must be something!  

But that aside because I don’t believe in dating someone new and presuming the worst. I also don’t think it is fair for someone to have to deal with the fall out of what someone else did to well and truly fuck you up.

My problem with this guy is that I do not get the rush of excitement I’ve had previously. I am not sure if, because of The Cheater, I have a huge wall in the way of my emotions and that’s why I cannot feel the way that I should feel about him or whether it is because I am not attracted to this man because he is not an arsehole.

That remains to be seen but what I do know is that I definitely have an arsehole tendency, I’m drawn to them, often without realising it, then I end up in a relationship that I swore would be nothing like the last.

So until they invent some sort of arsehole rehabilitation programme for me to go on I think this is one I am going to have to figure out on my own. Unless any readers have any good advice for me?

Until next time

Love

SG

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