Secret Single Behaviour

Gasgoine and I were discussing being single and she revealed her secret single behaviours that she had to address when she moved in with Reg. They were not the worst I have heard by any stretch, they centred around methods of hair removal. Secret single behaviour is something we ladies relish and revel in, knowing that when we are no longer single we won’t allow ourselves to do these things freely

It got me to thinking about my own secret single behaviour. Now I have always been a take me or leave me kind of girl. I would think nothing of putting on a face mask in front of a boyfriend, or taking my make up off. In my late teens I was very precious about things like this and would sleep in my makeup then wake up and reapply it before my boyfriend got up.

To any of my younger readers, - ladies it does get better and one day you will wake up and realise that you actually are naturally beautiful and don’t need lots of makeup on to impress a man, if anything they don’t like it.

I digress, these days I am much more content in myself and will happily go about some of my beauty regime in front of a man. I do however draw the line at farting, I do not fart in front of boyfriends no matter how long I have been going out with them.

However I do have a few secret single behaviours to share, some things I would never do in front of a man…

My Top 10 Secret Single Behaviours

v  I eat gherkins, out of the jar, sometimes a whole jar and then I smell all vinegary.

v  Before getting in the bath I have a ritual which involves scraping any crap from under my nails with an orange stick and examining it, thus far nothing interesting has turned up.

v  I dance, very badly in my bedroom and pretend I am on stage somewhere, think of every rom com you have seen where the girl is getting ready to go out and she is singing and dancing, yes that’s me.

v  Coming from a family of mainly non-drinkers we don’t have lots of wine glasses, in the event of a wine glass eluding me I will, without shame, drink wine from a beaker.

v  When getting ready for a night out, especially when I go home from work on a Friday, I will cook something quick to eat, run a bath at the same time, then I eat my dinner whilst soaking in the bath, multi-tasking.

v  When I was a teenager I used to long for a day when I was no longer plagued with pimples, nowadays every now and again I get one and I savour the squeezing of it.

v  I have a deep rooted love of very grannyish pyjamas which I have to curb when sleeping in the same bed as a man – I mean really ugly PJ’s

v  Once a week I will cover myself in olive oil after a bath, get into said ugly PJ’s and sleep in it, smelling like salad, but it does make you very soft.

v  Drinking from bottles, yes even litre bottles, if I am the only one drinking it why do I have to use a cup? (Never alcohol though that would be obscene!)

v  My make up towel, which is an old beer towel from a pub I used to work in, on which I wipe various make up products when they are on my fingers, or to remove build up from a makeup brush, stays hidden from any man in my life because it is truly hideous and in a constant state of needing a wash.  

In Feb I will be attending a speed dating event, in the name of research. I’m hoping to find someone to come along with me but if not I shall be flying solo but I’m sure there will be plenty to write about.

Until next time

Love

SG

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Regrets I’ve has a few …Part 2 (It rhymes…phew!)

The oh so dangerous drink and dial (or texting in this case) took place because I was drunk and because I had been discussing my ex with someone.

There is an app for your iphone which, when we first broke up, I actually downloaded and if I knew I was going out somewhere and would be tempted to text I would turn on the “Don’t Drink and Dial” app and it would encrypt my ex’s contact information in my phone until a time specified by me. Sometimes we girls need saving from ourselves.

However I haven’t used this app for ages. To be honest my ex and I had reached a happy medium of being civil and, whilst we don’t speak all the time, we are polite and check in with each other now and again.

So I didn’t think I was still in the drunken text phase that most of us go through after a break up, it’s a year on, surely I have moved on from there?

Well yes I have, usually, I don’t know what made me text him as I usually keep these waves of nostalgia to myself. I didn’t send him anything rude or mean or sexually inappropriate, nothing that would upset him in any way.

He didn’t reply that night, thank goodness, to my text explaining (in a very drawn out way) that I missed his company but not our relationship. In the same breath I apologised for being so soppy but that I was just sad to not have him in my life anymore.

Shamefully I couldn’t even remember texting him the next day, it was only when he replied that it jogged my memory and I re read my messages. Needless to say I then went through my entire bank of messages, emails, and tweets and checked my Facebook to see what else the wine devil had been up to the night before.

 He replied saying he felt the same and it was a shame it hadn’t worked out, and some other private sentiments. Like I said, these days neither of us are areseholes to each other. I breathed a sigh of relief that my text hadn’t been responsible for a “why don’t we meet up as friends?” message from him.

Despite the fact that I do miss him and as much as I would be curious to see him I don’t think it is a good idea. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of how bad an idea seeing your ex would be.

Someone asked me if I felt embarrassed or ashamed, not because I missed him but because I had told him that I missed him. The answer is no, I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions and I don’t think there is any real reason to be ashamed in front of my ex, he’s seen me at my best and worst and he knows what I felt for him. Also it’s nothing he hasn’t done at some point. We are but humans after all.  

However there are good reasons that we are not together.

Some people are simply toxic for each other. The highs of a relationship like this can be massive and I certainly experienced them with this man. But the lows are tragic, like a Shakespearean play and the whole relationship can at times feel dramatic and poetic. For a romantic like me (I should say former as that’s how I feel) this is very attractive.

But when the people around you cannot understand why you are in this relationship, when they see how low you will stoop and how hard you will cling to hang on to something, it can be very hard for them to bear.

I felt under a lot of pressure to end that relationship. That pressure came from friends and family and from a very well-meaning place. However it ultimately had to be the last straw for me, not them, to finally leave. That’s why I think I struggled so hard with our breakup and why perhaps I had this little blip.

I didn’t actually feel that I had a choice in my break up, or to put it a better way the choice was I either choose this man or sacrifice my relationships with my nearest and dearest who were sick of scrapping me up off the floor, figuratively and literally.

So I ended it despite not wanting too at the time. I felt my hand was forced but in reality it was in my own interest and for my own good. I can see that now and I firmly believe that had the pressure from those around me not been there I would have kept the relationship going despite the cost to my happiness and health.  

For such is the toxic relationship that one party (or both) won’t give up on the relationship, and to that end the lows reach new depths, and the highs don’t reach as far. Until what you are left with is lows, with an occasional peak.

So my ex was very gracious about my emotional outburst, I don’t actually feel too bad about it because I’ve not bottled the feeling up, it’s out “there” and out of my system and I’m sure I will continue to be civil and non arseholey with my ex because that’s just me. Despite what he did I played a part in it, even by simply agreeing to stay at the time. It’s only by recognising your own culpability that you can truly move on.

Until next time

Love

SG

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Regret’s I’ve had a few…

Unfortunately sometimes as a single girl we do stupid, stupid things. This blog post was brought to you by Blossom Hill.

I went out with an acquaintance of mine recently for drink after work, just one of course! This turned into a bit of a session and I broke my new rule about not drinking wine and sticking to vodka and tonic and staying sensible.

Now I say acquaintance rather than friend because I don’t know this guy very well, here is how we met, and a little bit of dating history…

I woke up with a stinking hangover, rolled over to see my ex had made it home at some point. I’d managed to get in before him and fallen asleep before he could fall through the door.

Initially I had been about to give him a hug and then I remembered the events of the night before, the fight we had in front of his friends about his ex (again) me crying and being stuck in Surrey with nowhere to go but back to his house. Him leaving me at the train station sobbing and I travelled back to his alone. When I got there he was not even present, I don’t know when he got in.

I got up and without waking him, packed my bags knowing that this had to be the absolute last time that this could happen. That we would argue about his ex-forever and would end up making each other miserable. I already was miserable. I booked the taxi while he was still sleeping then woke him to say goodbye. I told him it wouldn’t be like the other times, leaving in anger only to go back on it later. This time I was calm, I told him I would miss him and to take care of himself. We said a lot in the short time between him waking and my leaving.

He lived on the other side of London so I had a three hour journey ahead, way too much time to think. Upon arrival at Fenchurch Street and seeing that I had nearly an hour to kill I sat on the benches and the tears came. I had a suitcase and two bin liners full of my stuff; I’d been half living at his, half at mums for 18 months, now I felt utterly homeless and helpless.

(Mummy-single – not that I was homeless of course as you showed me by welcoming me back with open arms saying it had always been my home)

Now I should say at this point that I love London, its home to me but the people who walk around it with big umbrellas and an inflated ego thinking that the pavement is theirs are complete wankers.

Nothing has ever affirmed this more to me than walking through London that day. I was struggling to carry everything and clearly upset, people just shunted me out of the way, only confirming what I felt that day; I was nothing to no one.

So there I sat on the bench when a man came out of the pub (a dingy little place located in the station) and asked if I was ok. I nodded but clearly wasn’t and without a word he picked up the bin liners and carried them inside. With an hour to kill somewhere dry and warm was a very welcome sight.

He bought me a coke and sat me down on a sofa, I didn’t tell him much about what had happened, he didn’t have all day and I couldn’t have even if I tried. I did learn that he worked at one of the major insurers and from what I gathered he was a broker.

I should say now, to avoid disappointment, that this is not a prince charming tale.

I ran into him a few months later by chance, upon returning from a date. I was far less fragile than when I had last seen him. Not totally fixed but healing up nicely. He was out with some friends and was no longer the sweet caring gent I had met, he was in broker mode.

One thing to understand is that this group of brokers all have a competitive streak. It doesn’t matter what it is but they have to be winning, like Charlie Sheen. So having a twenty something on his arm (so to speak) in front of his friends leads my broker to start showing off. I’ve dealt with men like this all my professional life so I know how to deal with them.

Making it very obvious that I was not there for anything more than banter, I gave as good as I got and took my broker down a peg or two in a humorous light-hearted way way.  The more I bantered along, the harder he tried to act like Charlie Big Bollocks (as my dad would say). So I was accepted into their group as the occasional tag along.

Fast forward to last week and after being well and truly pissed off by someone I decided to see if the city wide boy was around for a beverage. He was of course available, he is handy like that.

So we went out, drank too much and he finally asked me what had happened that day. So I told him, as briefly as I could, about the relationship. I asked about his current situation which sounds complicated and unhappy.

Away from the other city boys he was back to his lovely self. Now I don’t find this man attractive, he is not single in any event so it’s nothing at all like that. I just genuinely enjoy his company (with or without the broker act it’s always fun)

But seeing him again without the banter of the other lads made me melancholy, and raking over the past didn’t help. We said our goodbyes and I promised to let him know when I could be free on a Friday to go out with the lads properly (Brokers finish at about midday on a Friday I don’t have that luxury so they are always shit faced when I get there)

It was on the way home that I did something stupid, something which might seem insignificant to you dear reader. I had been talking about my ex a lot that evening and it stuck me that despite all the time that’s past, despite the fact that I would never go back now, I miss my ex.

I miss his company, I miss the amount we had in common, and I miss his friendship essentially. So I did what any irrational and drunk woman would do…I sent him a text….

Until next time…

Love

SG

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Life's Little Lessons

Thought I would take a moment to reflect on dating mishaps past.

I once met a guy in a club called Mark, Mark and I hit it off and he seemed really sweet.

At the time I was also being pursued by a guy from my home town called Jay. Jay was the ultimate bad boy, didn’t call, never used to text. He had a six pack to rival Peter Andre and I was totally hooked.

I’d met Jay though my good friend, they worked together and although my friend warned me he had a bit of a reputation I didn’t really take any notice of the warning.

So when I met Mark in a club in London, Jay didn’t really cross my mind, after all he was a game player and I didn’t have any illusions that I was the only girl in his life at that time.

Mark and I went on a date and, lovely though it was, there was no ping, no spark, despite his nice looks and sweet personality. Now that I am older I can see that this was probably due to the fact that I was still wondering what the rippling muscles of Jay were up to that evening (although it is not hard to guess)

Even my friends nicknamed him Mark-no-ping. The problem was I genuinely liked him as a person.

Now I have always been enrolled in the school of dating that you should only date one person at a time. The whole theory about waiting until the “conversation of exclusivity” happens loses me a bit. If you go on a date with someone and you like them, just go on a few more with them and if you really like them then you know you might not be seeing someone else for a while.

However at this time in my life I was going through what I can only describe as my “angry date like a man” phase. I was determined that for every guy who had ever dated me then been out gallivanting with someone else without so much as a thought, I was going to do exactly the same.

For you see there was a time, not so much now I am older, that these men had hidden behind the fact that, despite however long they had been seeing a woman for, if they hadn’t told them it was exclusive then it wasn’t. For example the women would think there was an unspoken agreement that the relationship was exclusive, that the conversation about not seeing other people was not needed. The men would think that for as long as that conversation didn’t happen, they could do what they liked. It didn’t just happen to me, it happened to my friends too and we all got a bit sick of it. I think around this time Sex and the City was released and we all wised up.

I should point out I was young and stupid at this point. I didn’t realise that double dating a guy like Jay wouldn’t matter because he couldn’t give less of a shit anyway. If I dated half of Essex whilst seeing him casually it wouldn’t have bothered him.

Mark was a different kettle of fish entirely. I was sure however that neither of these men would find out if I double dated them. In hindsight I was dating Mark until such time as Jay would realise I was obviously fantastic and the only woman worth the girlfriend status. Yea right!

One evening on the train home from London after a night out, and on my way round to Jay’s for what I will only refer to as a night in, Jay text me to say he couldn’t meet tonight after all. It was clear he’d either been out and pulled or had double booked his evening in.

This however was enough for me to come to my senses entirely, what was I doing passing up a lovely sweet guy for some arsehole who treated me like a hobby?

And in that split second I decided to call Mark, see if he was free and spend some time with the guy who was worthy of my time. After all he was nice, attractive, very sweet to me – the polar opposite of Jay.

Upon calling Mark it was clear he was out that evening, from the noisy bar din that I could hear as he answered. I apologised for not replying to him a few days earlier and that it would be great to see him, that I hoped he enjoyed his night and I would speak to him later.

Just before we ended the call he asked “just one thing, are you seeing a guy called Jay?” followed by Jay’s laughter in the background. My heart sank because I knew now that I wouldn’t see Mark again but more than that, if he was friends with Jay (what a small world) that Jay would be insufferable to him now and also that this would have hurt Mark.

As I say Jay wouldn’t have cared in the slightest but Mark would. Mark no Ping with the big heart. As it was I know Mark wasn’t for me, otherwise I wouldn’t have been interested in Jay in the slightest but I took no pleasure in making someone feel the way I had in the past.

And that dear readers is when I learnt the lesson of not double dating, whether or not you have had the “exclusive” conversation or not.

Until next time

Love

SG

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This Comes to Pass When A Child is Born

On Wednesday night I was out with Dongle and my boss (Who shall now be known as Monica due to her startling personality resemblance to the character from Friends) for a few glasses of wine.

I had just explained to them why I was going to give up online dating and perhaps pursue dates elsewhere for a while. Firstly I am sick of receiving explicit messages. Particularly when they are not very well written and contain words like “sniff”- it’s just not sexy.

Secondly, the dates have never been as advertised, leading me to believe that everyone who is attempting to get a date online spends the rest of their time living in an abandoned castle in France watching a rose wilt while they await a curse to be lifted.

I was midway through this explanation when the phone rang. It was Liam, 28, Healthcare Assistant. Liam who I had given my number to in December and then not met up with due to Christmas taking over. He caught me off-guard if I am honest and considering I was mid rant about giving the whole thing up, I surprised even myself by agreeing to meet him on Saturday.

Why? Because I like to believe in fate it seemed all too perfect that this guy had called just at that moment. Plus I figure that it took some guts to call me up like that rather than cop out with a text, it was direct and honest, that deserves a date.  

I was, however, a little nervous about the date. The reason for this is that the moment I gave this guy my number he send me a text, not even a slight delay just BOOM – Text, and he seemed a bit over eager, it was a little reminiscent of Greg. Not to be deterred and with Gascoigne’s advice about not writing him off just yet ringing in my ears I went along with it.

However it was when showing Gascoigne his photo online and having a general gossip about the date I noticed something a little funny on his profile. His profile had changed from single/never married to currently separated.

This made me wonder if he’d had kids, he hadn’t mentioned any but now after this change in status made me wonder. Gascoigne and I pondered this for a nano second and then decided that the best thing for me to do would be to text him and ask.

So I sent him a message asking him if he had children and at what stage of separated he was?

He immediately called my phone which freaked me out a bit because I’ve never met him and didn’t want to speak to him over the phone, just for him to reply via text - yes or no - kids or none. The fact that he called instead of texting made me think I already knew the answer.

He left a voicemail explaining that he had been separated for a year, wasn’t married but did have a child who he saw “off and on”

Now the off and on comment obviously bothered me, how can you see a child off and on? Sounds complicated whatever it is (and this is why I don’t want to date men with children)

Liam then sent a text relaying the voicemail out for me again, explaining his situation so I replied saying I didn’t want to waste his time but that I didn’t want to date someone with children etc. etc.

Dongle thinks I am being mean, that I should compromise some of my deal breakers because everything else about this guy could be perfect and if I don’t try I will never know. I disagree and whilst I would willingly compromise on some things, having children is not one of them. I’ve never met him, I don’t owe him anything.

So onward and upward in the world of dating, I think I will next try something that requires face to face contact instead of online, people are easier to read face to face and as Gasgcoine always says its very hard to "bullshit a bullshitter" so I'll be able to weed out the guys that are trying to pull a fast one. 

Until next time

Love

SG

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Live life to the fullest, for the future is scarce

 So much for my new years resolution but Dongle (our IT manager for those of you who are not familiar gave me a telling off yesterday) so here is Sundays blog...on Wednesday

For reasons I won’t go into I have been reflecting on life recently, more accurately what makes a good, fulfilled life. When each of us gets to the pearly gates (or whatever you believe happens once we are gone) will we feel that we did everything we wanted to, lived to the fullest without regret?

How this relates to dating, I believe, is that no one wants to meet someone with gaps to fill. We are all guilty, at some point in our lives, of waiting for someone to come and fill a void, whether that be a short term fling that heals a wound or a relationship that seems to fill a hole in us as a person (not that kind of hole you dirty buggers!)

However what I have learnt over the last year, although I may not have realised I was leaning it at the time, is that there is nothing more attractive than someone who doesn’t need someone in their life. A relationship should be like a condiment rather that a part of the meal as it were.

When you think about it a boyfriend/girlfriend should never fulfill anything within you as a person. They should enhance your life but not be part of the building blocks that create it. A significant other is not a constant or a guarantee in your life. Aside from relationships breaking down or infidelity etc what should happen if that person simply ceased to be anymore? That kind of loss is felt more deeply than anyone can imagine by someone without a life of their own, the void that person filled is once again empty.

Having broken up with my ex in Dec 2011 and having remained single since this is the longest I have ever been on my own. Having spent so long in relationships I never afforded myself time to take stock. Now I am almost 28 and having been single for a while (minus a couple of dalliances) I feel perhaps it is time, now I have learnt this valuable lesson, to have a stock check. 

So what will make me happier and more fulfilled?

Work - I spend 1/3 of my day working and whilst I don’t 100% love my job it’s not a terrible place to be. If I had my time again I would study equestrian science and work with horses, as it is I have had the opportunity over the years to work with a few ass’s.

However recently people have hinted that I might have some talent when it comes to nail art, make up and face painting and what’s more I love sprucing people up, it makes me happy to see someone go “wow” after I do their makeup or hair.

Whilst I am not advocating irresponsibility in terms of quitting a perfectly good job to become one of many nail technicians in Essex its something to pursue even if just on a part time basis in order to save some extra cash, if it turned into a business and I turned my back on office work forever then great, I can’t say I would be sorry about that at all! But at least for now I would be doing something I enjoy even if it is just part time.

Speaking of cash that brings me to the next stop on my wishlist. To own my own property. Owning a property these days seems to be the luxury of those in a couple, and not even all couples can afford it. However should I take on some part time ventures this may become more attainable. I would also relish the security of always having a place that is “mine” even if in the future I were part of a couple.

Spending time with family and friends – this is where I really let myself down. I am a crap friend and granddaughter and this is something which is a constant source of guilt to me. After a long day I want nothing more than to switch off my phone and not speak to anyone, anti-social aren’t I? But it is to my own detriment as aside from Dick and Dom not many other of my close friends live nearby, and those that do are at different stage in life with babies and husbands. I should make considerably more effort with my nearest and dearest because I do love them, they all bring something wonderful to my life and they should be cherished, not slotted in like some kind of disorganized dishwasher.

Travel – Now ignoring the obvious money doesn’t grow on trees statement that I am sure is passing my mother’s lips as she reads this, house buying aside, there are a few places I would love to see in the next few years and I fully intend to see them. If it takes me a few years extra to buy a place so be it, life is for living after all. I’m not very well travelled and have never traveled on my own, yes it is scary but it’s something that has to be done I feel.  

Interests: I have a confession, the “other interests” section of my CV is a complete lie, not a little lie, a big fat juicy lie. I do not swim or horse ride regularly anymore, I am an avid reader (of cosmo)  I do not take an interest in current affairs and am no more learning French than I am learning to tap dance on the moon.

However the realization (when working out that 1/3 of my day is spend working, 1/3 is supposed to be spent sleeping) that I have 8 hours of free time a day, taking into account my commute, lunch hour and time in the evening, shocked me. I have things that I would like to do in my spare time, a couple of sports I have an interest in but don’t have the confidence to sign up for.

Perhaps this is the problem with all of the above, I lack the confidence to change anything and therefore nothing with ever change. But a lack of confidence is a very unattractive quality in someone and therefore it’s time to change that.

Perhaps this lack of confidence is why I have been procrastinating about doing all these things so long. So to decide the first step in my road to “discovery” From reading the above I think it is obvious. I need to be able to drive, to maximize my free time I have more independence the need to drive is now rather pressing. Relying on public transport is not going to make any of the above interests or indeed working opportunities happen. It won’t happen overnight I know but as Gascoigne always says “Slowly slowly catchy monkey”

It’s my birthday in March and I fully intend to tell anyone who will listen to buy me a driving lesson. Because before the curtain closes on life you have to get your show on the road.

Love as ever

SG

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Return of the sap...

Happy new year everyone! I have had a rather quiet and lovely Christmas but now I am back to my blogging ways.

One of my new year resolutions is to actually write my blog on Sundays and keep it updated once a week as people keep telling me off J

Now I haven’t bothered having any dates over Christmas as for me, it is a time for family, and it was cold and I couldn’t be bothered to go anywhere that I couldn’t wear my PJ’s to.

I’ve had some promising messages and have exchanged numbers with one guy who lives close to me…more to follow.

However in the meantime Greg has returned as my ghost of dating past and is thoroughly getting on my nerves.

He sent me a message to wish me a merry Christmas, not a crime I know and I returned the sentiment so not to be rude. But I still had the nagging feeling that he wouldn’t leave it at that. Sometimes a girl just knows these things…

NYE – I decided on a quiet one and went round to a relatives, had a takeaway and thrashed my family at Pictionary. After the heavy partying it was just what I needed and I was in a great mood.

Incoming message from Greg: Happy New Year, I hope 2013 brings you whatever it is you are looking for, you deserve it you really do.

*Sigh…Greg just because I finished with you does not mean I am on some mystical search and looking for something (my keys…my handbag?) I finished with you because you were overly keen and now you are only proving my point. AGAIN…

I simply ignored it because he has sent me messages in this tone before and I ended up getting caught up in a conversation that I didn’t care for. I thought it best not to even correct him on his perception of me, however misguided it may be.

But as we know readers Greg cannot take being ignored. Up until this point I hadn’t wanted to be rude, and I had relaxed a little about Greg, thinking he has got the message but for some reason he just can’t leave it alone…like a scab.

My friends said I was being mean, they said messages for Christmas and New Year was appropriate and that I was reading too much into it…until…

2nd Jan 2013 – two days after his last message, Greg sends me a facebook message with a picture of he and I at a Halloween party. He says something about the picture bothers him, he is not sure what and would I take it down so that he no longer has to look at it. He could have simply untagged himself but instead he takes the time to actually message me, so that I know he is bothered.

Greg is clearly still thinking about me and our couple of week dalliance to even bother to send me a message about it and if that’s the case then he needs to be cut off. So I’ve now had to block him from FB (We were not friends on there anyway but I hadn’t blocked him)

I’m not sure how I ended up with this nutter on my back but I now have a new found sympathy for the man folk of this world who have had to endure bunny boiling antics. Ok Greg might not be coming to my house declaring his undying love for me, thank god! But he is annoying me, greatly.

So here is to 2013, may it bring everything I am looking for…Although I don’t quiet know what that is yet.

Love

SG

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