I have been slightly concerned recently that my dating disasters blog might bomb as my run of bad luck with the single gents of London had to end sometime. I needn't have worried!
I had high hopes for date No. three, I even went so far as to buy a new outfit. Oh OK it was also because I had recently got back from holiday and this single gal is not up to date on her washing.
John, 31, Lawyer
Men I meet online fall into two camps, ones who are happy to chat online for a while, get to know you and actually find out if you have anything in common, and the ones who just want to meet up straight away to find out if you really look like your pictures before they waste their time.
I don't think either approach is wrong, lets face it I could still be chatting to dates one and two!
John fell into the second camp, he wanted to meet up fairly quickly and I wasn't opposed to that.
6.30 Warren Street
I arrive at the designated meeting point, as I approach the top of the stairs at the tube and my mobile regains consciousness I get a text from John informing me that he couldn't get reservations where he had wanted to so he was now at Kings Cross and could I meet him there.
Those of you who live in a city with an underground system will know what a pain in the arse they are and London's is shite! To send someone message whilst they are on the underground is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.
But not to be deterred I replied to say I would come to Kings Cross and jumped on the train again, after all changing the venue like that is a bit silly but it's hardly a cardinal dating sin.
After a very sweaty train ride I arrive feeling less fresh than I had when I left the office but I didn't have time to hot foot it to a public loo because John spotted me and made his way over.
Height: This is getting its own section now because men seem to have a problem with revealing their true height online. I'm five feet eight inches tall, I know this because the machine at Boots tells me on a little print out. If your going to say your five feet ten inches then date a tiny little short girl who probably wont argue. I don't care if your short but I do care about bullshit, as I have mentioned.
So, height aside, John looked like his profile picture which is great, he was cute. He also seemed to know what kind of behaviour is appreciated on a first date
He complimented me: Gents, this is gold dust. Lots of men forget to tell their dates that they look nice, it costs nothing but it does show you to have nice manners. Between me, you and the gatepost you don't even have to mean it. She wont take this as a sign you want to marry her but it will raise a smile.
He was the first date out of three to actually bother to utter the words "you look lovely this evening" so far so good.
John had already told me that he was a bit of a dork, I actually find geekyness very sexy but John was not actually a dork, despite his nice manners, John was just socially inappropriate.
I'm going to list these as quickly as I can or this post will drag on a bit.
1. Jokes about periods: I do not turn up on a date and make "what did one ballbag say to the other" jokes so I'm not sure why John thought a comment about the nightmare that is rag week was funny. But talking about ladies baby making equipment on a first date is fundamentally wrong, unless you're getting to see it and even then - don't makes jokes!
2. Homophobic references: Johns brother is gay, as is a sibling of mine. Plus my best friends are a married gay couple so I could never date someone who had a homophobic bone in their body, they just wont fly with my crowd. So this seemed to be a plus for John as he seemed like minded. However when referring to a client he had to deal with... "She was just a dyke, a Daily Star* reading dyke"
As I've said before I don't mind strong language but as my sister is gay the word dyke sends a shiver through me. If someone is a bitch, call them so but don't use a homophobic term against someone you simply don't like, gay or straight has nothing to do with it. Had I had a score card at this point it would have read a big fat zero!
3. Baby/childhood photos: John couldn't resist showing me a picture of himself, himself as the worlds ugliest eight year old. I know that sounds mean but he really was an advertisement for late adoptions. He must have grown into his looks but even so baby photos on a first date are not what a girl wants to see, especially a girl with at least a decade of baby making time on her hands. I don't go on dates looking for a potential sperm donor but John (who is moving to the country in preparation for having children, with a woman he hasn't yet met!) clearly has entered the ready to settle phase.
Ready to settle phase explained: The ready to settle phase is not the same as being ready to settle down. People who have been in relationships for a long time who have decided sensibly that it is about time to make it legal can be refereed to as ready to settle down. Being ready to settle means just that. John wants babies, he wants babies now and I'm not sure the quality of the relationship with the woman would be his priority. I have a prediction, should he meet a willing woman, John will marry her within a year and have her up the stick (pregnant for my non cockney friends) because he wants to start getting on with getting hitched and having babies.
4. Bragging: John apparently has a friend who works for one of the major fashion houses, my profile has a little bit about my bag collection and the fact that I limit myself to one per year. I don't know if John had picked up on this tiny bit of information but he starts telling me about his friend and how he gets a huge amount of freebies. Great, that's nice for him.
John then regales me with a tale of a girl he had met hinting that she wouldn't mind a designer bag. John then proceeded to tell me that if he were sleeping with a girl then she would of course receive all these lavish freebies in a tone which seemed to imply that I was going to be A.impressed and B. more likely to sleep with him.
To brag about connections is one thing, it's a little irritating, but to imply some sort of trade off, sex for designer goods, is going too far. There are girls that will sleep with you for labels John, but I am not one of them! Ive never had a problem with scraping the bottom of my credit barrel for arm candy and I'm not about to start now.
5. Love thy pets: I'm a dog person myself but I respect the right to own a cat, I do not respect the right to reveal on a first date that your cat has the habit of jumping into the bath with you. HE BATHED WITH HIS CAT! At this point alarms bells are going off in my head, perhaps he should get hooked up with this woman... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4
And so I declined the offer of another drink for fear I would get the giggles with the "I love cats" song now repeating in my head and said my goodbyes.
Quite sweetly John asked me to text him when I was home so that he would know I got home safely, again the first date to request this (men - this one is also a winner, it makes you look sweet and caring) I did as requested and then text him in the morning to say that I didn't feel there had been any chemistry. I could have lied and said I am allergic to cats but that's not this girls style.
*Daily Star, I have nothing against your paper, they are not my words so if your looking for someone to blame, blame John the cat bather. Thanks
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