What Jay Jay Did Next -Guest Blog

As some of you have been so interested in my dog, who sometimes features in my blog photo's here is a guest blog from the man himself...

This week I have been mostly misbehaving.

@Gal_single seems to think she is the only one who can have any fun around here, well not so because I have been up to all kinds of tricks, some of which are my favourite things to do.

Biting: The Single_family are very careful not to let me near unsuspecting members of the public, this is because I bite people. I don't really mean to but before I came to the Single household I was living with someone who treated me very badly. Now that I live with the Singles life is much better but I still get nervous around people, especially when they come into MY garden.

On Sunday a man came round to see brother_single and I ran down the stairs to investigate and protect my family. When I got down there this man started to run away from me "He is a baddy" I thought and chased after him as the youngest sister_single was in the garden and he might hurt her. So I chased him and when I caught him I bit his leg. It wasn't very tasty.

I got told off but at least the baddy didn't get little sister_single, he's gone now and he wont come back. If Gal_single starts dating someone I am going to make sure he is nice before I let him in my house.

I also got told off for raiding. Raiding is my favourite thing, aside from the time I tried to get something out of the big bin and ended up stuck in it, that was a low point. Because I am only allowed boring dry food I try to get treats wherever I can. This involves stealing which is also naughty but leads to very tasty treats.

Brother_single left some cookies next to his PC and went out leaving his bedroom door open, because I am small and sprightly I was able to jump up on the computer chair, onto the desk and grab the cookie before running back to my basket and eating it.

Then I remembered there was another one up there and ran to get that too but this time I made too much noise and gal_single came out of her bedroom and told me off. She didn't take it off me though because she knows that it upsets me and brings my anger management issues to the surface and we cant have another argument like the one over the ribs I snuck from the bin.

She did take a picture of me and put it on facebook though so everyone knows I cheated on my diet, it was still yummy and worth foregoing dinner for....hmmmm cookies

Love
Jay Jay
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If She Bleeds For Five Days and Doesn't Die...She's Horny

This month I have decided to run my own little competition, The winner will not receive anything (aside from a verbal bashing on my blog) This is purely for my own entertainment.

From now until the end of March I will be releasing my worst online dating messages weekly. Please feel free to vote for your favourite on twitter @gal_single  OR…

via email: Single.girl.london2012@gmail.com - Your own entries are also welcome I would love to hear your stories!

This fellow seemed normal, he was cute looking and after he got in touch we were chatting online and finding out the necessaries about eachother. He said that he hadn’t dating anyone in a while due to studying and concentrating on that.

Out of curiosity I asked him how long did “A while” mean and this was the response I got…  

In short, and to summarize what I think this guy is saying:

Ideal times to try it on with your lady

·         When she is stuffing chocolate down her neck and clutching a hot water bottle

·         When she complains there is nothing on the TV

·         When she says she hasn’t seen (insert female friends name here) for a while

Men are to blame for the following

·         Asbos

·         Mentally ill children

·         War

·         Poverty

·         Crime

·         Children with phobias

Other important notes

·         If there are no sexy women in your class give up the subject and take up gardening, it’s well known that sexy women take gardening courses

·         Men cannot be virgins – this is something to tell every sexually frustrated 17 year old boy on the planet – Virginity does not exist for you so stop stressing!

·         Men who study math are disabled

·         You cannot garden in the winter – that’s a fact

And there you have it, candidate one in my Double Click Prick competition.

As always

Love

SG

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Picture Perfect

I’ve been doing this online dating thing for a while now, whilst I’m still having lots of lovely chats with people I haven’t had a date in ages! Now whilst this is a little annoying blogwise it's been nice to have a break from it. I will however endeavour to have some dating tales for you in the month or March when sister single and myself finally get around to speed dating.

One of my friends said I should be saying yes to every single date because you never know who you might meet but I can’t, it is too depressing and if I am already pretty sure I don’t fancy them then why waste their time?

I have to say I am probably fussier these days about who I will talk to online since my dates, at times, have been nothing short of disastrous. So I only chat to people selectively, I don’t bother to reply to those who don’t interest me anymore simply to avoid conversations like the following

Man whom I have nothing in common with/don’t find attractive:

Hi gal_single

I really liked your profile, perhaps we can get together for a coffee, perhaps tomorrow?

Let me know either way

Ed

My response several months ago would have been a nice polite email expressing that I was thankful for the message but didn’t feel that, from his profile, we would be suited. A thanks but no thanks dressed up essentially. However the countless numbers of emails I then got asking “Why?”

Well would you, dear internet dating man, really like me to tell you why, from your profile, I don’t want to meet up with you? Despite not even having conversed, why I am completely unconvinced that we would get on?

I doubt it, I doubt you really want me to explain that some of your comments in summary of your personality turned me off or that your supposed age made me laugh out loud because it is clearly bullshit? Or that some of your photo’s scared me too much, or to the other extreme, left me with no idea of what you actually looked like.  

So now, rudely or not, I don’t reply. However so not to totally ruin my dating karma I have decided to dedicate this blog to explain some of the most simple things that can put a woman off your profile, Firstly, your pictures….

The Ex Factor

Do not under any circumstances use pictures with women in them and then use the paint facility on your PC to scribble out their faces (As demonstrated by myself and Dom)

Women will naturally assume this is your ex and (because women are like this) over analyse your scribble, take it to mean you are not over her and write you off. It is so easy to crop a picture, even if you don’t have software that will, save it as a facebook profile pic and crop it to use as a profile pic, you can then save it to your PC and delete it from facebok if you don't want it on there.  

Animals

They say never work with animals or children and to be honest the former should always be left out of your profile pictures. I would be tempted to say leave children out too but I know I may face a backlash here.

Using animals to appear cute and cuddly or to have a caring side (e.g. cradling a bunny) seems a bit strange. If your dog really does mean the world to you by all means mention it in your profile but lay off the photos of you canoodling with your pet. Any pictures of your dog licking your face should not only be banned from your profile but burned from all existence. Jay Jay will just have to have his moment in the spotlight on my blog instead...  

Kids

It’s just a little distasteful to me to parade your children on your profile as if to say “look at what my balls produce!” But it is your choice and I won’t judge. Just don’t blame me when their mother finds out and kicks off, after all how would you feel about her putting their pictures on a dating site so she could score?

And definitely without doubt do not put pictures of children that are not your own on any internet site, ever, without the explicit consent of the parent. Even if it is your niece/nephew –you simply don’t have the right to do this.

Blue shirts

Now I’m going to generalise here but at least 7/10 of every man online has a picture like this on their profile so ask yourself the following:

1.    Are you wearing a blue, collarless shirt in the picture?

2.    Is the backdrop white?

3.    Are you not smiling?

4.    Is the lighting slightly dim?

If you answered yes to any of these you probably look like an escaped mental patient in the photo, honestly. You are not applying for a passport, you want to date right? Avoid the prison blue shirt and smile a little! Please!  

Windows To The Soul

Women have various means of making themselves look doe eyed, it’s makeup trickery. Of course gents you would look a bit daft in this kind of get up if you are in fact not a transvestite.

However I have noticed that an alarming amount of men have this crazy scary eye thing going on, like they have read an article about body language and taken it too literally. Gone are the days when you used to have to prop your eyes open with cocktail sticks to ensure they wouldn't be closed for the flash.

Try to keep your face as natural as possible, my drama teacher once did an exercise which proved useful - smile, then let your mouth drop out of the smile, but keep the smile in your eyes, trust me it really works. Don’t open your eyes so wide that you look like a someone who has been arrested for a crystal meth related indiscretion.    

Come Up To Mine?

Women notice details, on the whole more than men. So the background of any picture you put out there should probably be at least glanced at before you make the decision to post it.

Most sites moderate their photographs and take out anything that is outside their policy; however there is no moderation for stupid. Messy backgrounds, showing your unmade bed or disgusting living room will only put women off. 

Sporty or Posh?

Lastly, does every man in the world snowboard? If you are going to include photos of your latest lads holiday make sure you also enclose some of your actual face, not in ski goggles, not in a mask, but your face as God made you, you are less likely to get a woman to go out with you if all of your photos are from 10 feet away and with your face covered in various sports equipment.

It’s a real shame I don’t get to see the women’s profiles online, I’m dying to know how many duck faced, tangoed, bikini clad women there are, if anyone has any screen shots of their profile disasters they would like to share then feel free, all personal information will be kept anon!

Love

SG

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Bullet for my Valentine?

There are many theories over St Valentine, who he was and what he represented. The most widely accepted theory seems to be that he was a priest who married catholic couples in secret, was arrested, who then tried to convert his captor to the catholic faith and was subsequently beheaded, how very romantic!

St Valentine is not only the patron saint of love and lovers but also - bee keepers, epilepsy, fainting, plague, travellers and young people. Giving young epileptic bee keeping couples everywhere more than one reason to celebrate!

This day has evolved, as we all know, into a day for those in a couple to celebrate that with cards, gifts, a meal etc. It is an annual multi million pound industry and online dating sites are no exception. There is a surge of membership subscriptions in the time between New Year’s Eve (I will find love this year) and Valentine’s Day (fuck we are six weeks in to the year and I haven’t found love yet!)

Now obviously, as with Christmas and Easter these holidays are so far removed from their roots that they are no longer (for the masses) about the meaning of the day itself but instead about the sentiment sold to us by the industries that rely on it for business. It’s probably a good job otherwise valentine’s days cards would look like this…

Valentine’s Day is, for many, a day of celebration with the one you love. Some would argue that this should not be restricted to one day and should be a daily occurrence in a series of small gestures which are mutually appreciated. But let’s be realistic, whilst changing the empty toilet roll carton in the bathroom can be appreciated it is hardly likely to make your lady feel treasured in the same way as a bunch of flowers sent to her office on 14^th Feb is it?

I am amongst those who really like Valentine’s Day and when with a partner I like to celebrate the day itself. It doesn’t have to be huge gestures of jewellery and flowers but an exchange of cards and sentiments that means something to you as a couple is never a bad thing. It’s also good to see all the love in the world being declared using various social media outlets. Love is alive and that’s always something to celebrate!

Some people however, despise Valentine’s Day. I’m not talking about the kinds of people who don’t subscribe to the corporate nature of the beast and simply bow out, or couples who decide that it is not for them. I’m talking about those who hate this day with a passion. Why? Because they are single, and this particular breed of Valentine’s Day hater is usually a hypocrite who, upon finding a boyfriend will be all hearts and flowers the following February.

Last year I was single on Valentine’s Day and still in the stage of mourning over my break up, I was determined to approach the day like I would have were I in a relationship and for it to be a good one.

Facebook was full of happy couples and declarations of love, pet names and in jokes graced people’s statuses- all of which I clicked the like button too, after all just because I was in a pit of despair didn’t mean the whole world had to be. But amongst all the merriment was a smattering of miserable, complaining, whining comments such as this from one girl I know –

“Why do I have to read about how much you all love your boyfriends when let’s face it you are probably going to break up anyway, I mean can’t you just keep it to yourselves – so over valentine’s day”  

I’m not sure who pissed in her cornflakes that day but they have a lot to answer for. After all

Is it so much of a stretch to be happy for your friend who is loved up? Apparently it is. Over the years I have observed the following about women - I have never witnessed as much infighting between girls as when one is single and the other is not. Women are their own worst green eyed friends.

The battle cry from these single women (generalising here but I have yet to see a complaint about the V day from a guy) is that there is not a day celebrating singledom therefore why should they have to put up with St Valentine’s day and the love of others being rubbed in their face?

Firstly bittersingles - I don’t agree that it is being rubbed in your face, it may feel like it -  if you are unhappy about your single status - but it is merely people being happy and celebrating each other, so don’t take is as a personal affront.   

Secondly these girls have clearly missed something, which having been single for over a year, I had to learn very quickly, and that is that EVERY DAY IS SINGLE DAY. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, how you choose to waste that golden time is up to you. If you don’t embrace the freedom of being single it could quiet easily seem like a bleak, lifeless and layless landscape.

Don’t think for one second your friend with the two kids and husband who gushes over Valentine’s Day to all who will listen doesn’t spend at least a few moments wishing she could trade with you while you tell her about your latest night out.

She’d love to give up hoovering and shirt ironing and explaining to which ever retarded boxer short wearing member of the species she is living with that watching him play call of duty is not almost the same as watching the soaps.

So give your coupled up friends their day, they actually deserve it.  

In the event that you find yourself in the camp of lovelessness and wish to drag yourself over to my love-everyone-love-the-world side; the following are my top ideas for forgetting that you don’t have a boyfriend and opening your eyes up to what you do have -

1.    Consider your options – You can sit there miserable, face like a cow pat, and sulk or you can lighten up and send your favourite facebook couple (we’ve all got one, the ones that seem so perfect) a message wishing them both a happy valentines, share a little joy.

2.    Don’t utter the phrase - “I don’t have anyone special in my life” it is an insult to your family and friends, choose someone that you absolutely couldn’t live without and send them a card containing the reasons why you love them. V day is not just about those you bump uglies with.

3.    Celebrating freedom – if it bothers you that much to stay in on v day by all means go out – not to one of these anti valentines parties - but arrange dinner with a friend or family member, have some wine and if it helps - revel in the fact that you don’t have a baby sitter to rush back for.

4.    Tis better to have loved and lost – well not always, we all know an elderly relative who is single/widowed. Send or take them some flowers, the probably won’t even associate it with valentine’s day but it will raise a smile from them.

5.    If you’re feeling really down and unloved seek support, it may be hard to admit how you’re feeling but I’m sure if you text a friend to say you’re feeling a little down cos it’s valentine’s day she would be able to provide you with a whole list of reasons why you are fabulous, feel free to reciprocate, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

            If you are still hating on Valentine’s Day and none of the above appeal, do me and womankind a favour – keep shtum about your feelings for the day- because one day when you meet someone and you want to go ape shit butt crazy for Valentine’s Day some girl is going to hate on you about it. The sooner we all put a stop to looking over the fence and thinking “fuck me that looks green” the better off we all will be.

As ever

Love

SG

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