The art of e-conversation

Something which has been perplexing me for a number of weeks is the lack of communication and conversation skills online.

There are several pitfalls to communicating online, some of which I have touched upon before, but what I find really baffling is that a surprising amount of men who are looking to date, and have a very safe environment to converse in, are completely inept at doing so.

Safe environment: The internet, dating home to the perpetually shy, the ugly, the undateable and those who can’t be bothered with the “Dancefloor Dickheads” anymore (I’m patenting that phrase!)

There is no danger whilst sending out a few friendly emails online of you being shot down in front of your friends after a disastrous chat up line, or a woman’s boyfriend coming after you like some grizzly bear with a hangover because you have dared to chat her up at the bar.

As far as I can see -  woman looking to date + man looking to date + overpriced equivalent to facebook dating site = safety.

No one has to know you’re doing it, no one has to know how many rejections you get, it’s all down to you.

So having said that, why do the men online find it so hard to open up and chat?

It may have something to do with gender, after all research has shown that women use three times more words per day than men! Perhaps we are better at communication because we have all these extra words at our disposal.

Mars

Venus

Man 1 “Mate how did your date go last night?” Man 2 “Yea it was alright” End

Woman 1 “Babe how did your date go last night?” Woman 2 “It was ok but he turned up in a check shirt, you know how I hate check but I was willing to overlook it. We met at the train station and he gave me a hug to greet me which was nice, then we went to the bar, you know that one that has the red curtains and candles, yea that one, and we both ordered a gin and tonic which was really funny and we laughed, but seriously it’s a good sign though, something in common…..And so it goes on…..

But its quality and not quantity men need to improve if they are going to secure dates with women they have not yet met.

Getting to know you…getting to know all about you…

In responses to emails I receive on the online dating site I always ask questions, after all I don’t know the person I am replying to personally but if I have any hope of getting to know them surely I am allowed to ask?

Why then do men, who I will have had at least a few emails with before I start probing, then seem to be unable to flow the conversation and instead just say “I’m good how are you?” Wow *single girl rubs eyes at the glittering conversation, sparks flying everywhere.

I don’t mean that I barrage these men with questions, that would look frankly a little scary, but over the course of a few emails exchanged I would at least like to know their vital stats, everyone’s vary but mine are basically:

Question	Single girl unspoken definition
What do you do for a living	Are you an unemployed bum who I will find vaguely familiar only realising why when I see a Jeremy Kyle rerun?
Do you have a large family, are you close?	I’m trying to establish whether you are either an emotion wreck from some kind of parental rejection, or whether your mother is crazy and still cuts your toenails for you whilst saying “mummy’s little boy”
Do you go out with your friends or have any regular hobbies?	Are you going to be tagging along everywhere I go with my friends because you have none or will I still have time for myself?
What are you doing this coming weekend?	Have you invented the above mentioned friends when you say you have no plans
How long have you been on *insert name of website?	Are you the guy that has dated everyone on this site and now you’re starting on the newer members?
How long have you been single?	IMPORTANT – Too short a time means you’re after a rebound playmate and too long  scares me a little bit, it always begs the question why? 4 months to 3 years is good.
What brought you to internet dating?	For obvious reasons, not that anyone is going to answer “it makes ‘em easier to get in the back of the van” or the like.

So typically a (shortened version) of a conversation would go like this over several days

Him: Hi I really liked your profile and I would like to know more, let me know if your interested.

Me: Hi, Your profile is certainly interesting, what would you like to know? Why don’t you tell me some things about yourself, what kind of work do you do?

Him: I would like to get to know you

Me: Ok well I work at blah blah, I enjoy blah blah in my spare time (insert various info here)

How about yourself?

Him: That all sounds great, we seem to have some things in common

Me: Really, such as?

Him: So what are you up to today?

FFS lad I know nothing about you, you have given nothing away and the conversation is about to go round in a circle. In a few days of boring emails time you’re going to ask me out and I’m going to decline because if you’re this tedious online I’m probably going to want to drop kick you in person!

Now the websites even help you out, when replying to a message, it stays displayed on the screen as you type a reply, its not rocket science. Just look back over the email and comment on what’s already been said.

She said: I work as a primary school teacher

He might say:  That’s a job I could never do, you must have patience, I’m in insurance myself.

Now I realise that’s a lame example but what it demonstrates is that the man has actually taken notice of what the woman has said instead of just inputting his own info, it can make a conversation go from 0 to 60 with just a little bit of effort on your part.

It’s so easy to come across as evasive online and it really is the online equivalent of rolling your eyes when a person is speaking to not input anything.

Men of the internet dating world please, I implore you to take on this advice and put a little more thought into what you’re sending us women folk. She might want to know more about you than just your height and eye colour and if dating’s what you want, dating’s what you will get.

Much love

SG
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