The oh so dangerous drink and dial (or texting in this case) took place because I was drunk and because I had been discussing my ex with someone.
There is an app for your iphone which, when we first broke up, I actually downloaded and if I knew I was going out somewhere and would be tempted to text I would turn on the “Don’t Drink and Dial” app and it would encrypt my ex’s contact information in my phone until a time specified by me. Sometimes we girls need saving from ourselves.
However I haven’t used this app for ages. To be honest my ex and I had reached a happy medium of being civil and, whilst we don’t speak all the time, we are polite and check in with each other now and again.
So I didn’t think I was still in the drunken text phase that most of us go through after a break up, it’s a year on, surely I have moved on from there?
Well yes I have, usually, I don’t know what made me text him as I usually keep these waves of nostalgia to myself. I didn’t send him anything rude or mean or sexually inappropriate, nothing that would upset him in any way.
He didn’t reply that night, thank goodness, to my text explaining (in a very drawn out way) that I missed his company but not our relationship. In the same breath I apologised for being so soppy but that I was just sad to not have him in my life anymore.
Shamefully I couldn’t even remember texting him the next day, it was only when he replied that it jogged my memory and I re read my messages. Needless to say I then went through my entire bank of messages, emails, and tweets and checked my Facebook to see what else the wine devil had been up to the night before.
He replied saying he felt the same and it was a shame it hadn’t worked out, and some other private sentiments. Like I said, these days neither of us are areseholes to each other. I breathed a sigh of relief that my text hadn’t been responsible for a “why don’t we meet up as friends?” message from him.
Despite the fact that I do miss him and as much as I would be curious to see him I don’t think it is a good idea. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of how bad an idea seeing your ex would be.
Someone asked me if I felt embarrassed or ashamed, not because I missed him but because I had told him that I missed him. The answer is no, I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions and I don’t think there is any real reason to be ashamed in front of my ex, he’s seen me at my best and worst and he knows what I felt for him. Also it’s nothing he hasn’t done at some point. We are but humans after all.
However there are good reasons that we are not together.
Some people are simply toxic for each other. The highs of a relationship like this can be massive and I certainly experienced them with this man. But the lows are tragic, like a Shakespearean play and the whole relationship can at times feel dramatic and poetic. For a romantic like me (I should say former as that’s how I feel) this is very attractive.
But when the people around you cannot understand why you are in this relationship, when they see how low you will stoop and how hard you will cling to hang on to something, it can be very hard for them to bear.
I felt under a lot of pressure to end that relationship. That pressure came from friends and family and from a very well-meaning place. However it ultimately had to be the last straw for me, not them, to finally leave. That’s why I think I struggled so hard with our breakup and why perhaps I had this little blip.
I didn’t actually feel that I had a choice in my break up, or to put it a better way the choice was I either choose this man or sacrifice my relationships with my nearest and dearest who were sick of scrapping me up off the floor, figuratively and literally.
So I ended it despite not wanting too at the time. I felt my hand was forced but in reality it was in my own interest and for my own good. I can see that now and I firmly believe that had the pressure from those around me not been there I would have kept the relationship going despite the cost to my happiness and health.
For such is the toxic relationship that one party (or both) won’t give up on the relationship, and to that end the lows reach new depths, and the highs don’t reach as far. Until what you are left with is lows, with an occasional peak.
So my ex was very gracious about my emotional outburst, I don’t actually feel too bad about it because I’ve not bottled the feeling up, it’s out “there” and out of my system and I’m sure I will continue to be civil and non arseholey with my ex because that’s just me. Despite what he did I played a part in it, even by simply agreeing to stay at the time. It’s only by recognising your own culpability that you can truly move on.
Until next time
Love
SG
X
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