It won’t have gone unnoticed to those of you who live in the UK that the relationship spotlight has well and truly settled on Nigella Lawson this week.
For those of you who don’t know you can familiarise yourself with the story here…
The emotive subject of domestic violence always splits the camps and raises questions that some people don’t want to admit asking, even to themselves.
The reason this story interests me is because it reminds me of a time in my life when I had to evaluate and make a choice. This isn’t going to be the funny blog post I usually try to write, for that I apologise but some things just need to be said.
Before I go into the shocking divide in opinions that has occurred since “tiff-gate” I guess I better tell you why I am writing this.
My ex, the one who- if you have read my blog, pretty much broke my heart, was 21 years my senior and betrayed me with his ex-girlfriend. I won’t go into all the details as some of you will remember the story, if not feel free to read back.
Needless to say our relationship went sour after about 12 months of dating. We were having vile arguments regularly about his ex girlfriend and her constant presence in his life in some form or another. I issued ultimatums and then backed down, we’d row again and I’d vow to myself that I was leaving, that I deserved better. The problem with this internal pep talk was that at the time I didn’t believe it.
The emotional effects of his behaviour, not respecting the boundaries I was trying to set, sometimes with a blatant disregard for my feelings (“it’s none of your business” is one such memorable quote) meant that I was not feeling emotionally strong at this time.
(Feel free to judge me as to why I didn’t leave then but you weren’t there)
The result of this was that when times were good and he treated me like a princess I would try to cling on to that mood for as long as possible, avoiding raising issues that were still bothering me. Even a beaten dog will stay loyal to its owner.
One night during a heated row, both of us shouting at each other, he pushed me. He pushed me pretty hard in fairness as I stumbled backward across the room and hit my back against the wall, knocked my head and landed on a storage box by the window.
That ended the argument dead and I sat, shocked, whilst he left the room. When he returned I had already got into bed, switched off the light and was quietly crying.
You may be wondering why I still didn’t get up and go- I was over seventy miles from home, it was 11pm and I don’t drive. But moreover, I didn’t actually feel the need to leave. I didn’t believe he would assault me.
The insult to minor injury, which cut me more deeply than the shove he’d given me, was that after a few moments of laying in the dark, me still crying very quietly, he leaned over and in my ear he whispered
“Why don’t you just shut up?”
Part of me wanted to get up, turn on the light and tell him how much at that very moment I hated and despised him, that he was a bullying two faced cunt and that I never wanted to see him again, I could physically feel the anger inside me, I was furious.
Instead I shut up and went to sleep, it was one of the last nights I would ever spent there and one of the key events that lead to our breakup.
The next day the argument continued via text message and I wrote to him, quite pointedly, that after his behaviour the previous night if I were him I would be being a little more gracious. He never did acknowledge what he had done or apologise.
A few days later whilst I was getting dressed he enquired as to where I got the bruise on my back and thighs. Again anger boiled inside of me and a voice inside my head said “It was, you fucking prick, you know it was so why are you asking?”
Denial seemed to be his choice in dealing with what had happened.
My reason for writing this blog post is that since the Nigella story broke the divide in opinions has been huge. The British press and public majority have been in uproar of course, bringing the subject of domestic abuse to the forefront again and creating an opportunity for the questions no one dares to ask to be thrust into the spotlight - which can never be a bad thing.
It’s the other side of the fence that interests me more than the people who say that he is an abuser and she should leave (it’s so simple for those people to say). Some of the opinions I have heard, and indeed the quotes which have been attributed to Nigella’s husband, lift the veil on the viewpoints that if we are really honest, might have crossed our minds at some point.
1. What were they arguing about? – I saw a comment from someone who pondered what the argument was about, had she, for example, just told him she was having an affair, would this then justify the outburst?
2. Is it really abuse? Another comment online was in reaction to some of the negative comments about Saatchi. The author write “It’s not like he punched/kicked her”
3. Was she physically hurt? She didn’t leave the restaurant with any physical marks that could be seen, the quote from her husband after this incident was that she was crying because they had argued, not because she was hurt.
4. Does it look worse that it is? Her husband was also quoted to have said that the pictures are “Vile” but have been made to look worse.
Shockingly a couple of these opinions were how I viewed my ex’s actions. His actions were wrong, make no mistake, but I had never considered the word abuse.
Abuse these days is recognised in many forms, not just physical but emotional, financial etc. So why is it that some of us (and I am including myself here as someone who once had this thought process) are able to discount incidents that others might see as abusive.
Definition is the key here, for example if someone asked me if my ex hurt me, I would probably say no. In the grand scheme of things I wasn’t bleeding, I didn’t suffer concussion. I was perfectly well the next day, I just had a couple of bruises.
Does anyone see what’s wrong with that sentence?
But similarly if you were in public, and were in an argument with someone, they thumped your arm and the next day you wake up with a bruise. Ask yourself very honestly if you would report this at your local police station?
Most of you wouldn’t, the difference between this scenario and the abusive relationship is that it is unlikely you will ever see this person again. If the person bruising you is the person you live with there is much more scope for repeat behaviour.
If a friend came to you and said they had left their partner because their partner had grabbed their arm during an argument and left a mark, would there be a tiny part of you that felt they may have jumped the gun, that it wasn’t really that serious? Be honest.
And this, to my mind, is where abuse starts. Abuse starts slowly, it grows. Given the opportunity it will continue and like all other forms of crime, if you get away with something once, what’s to stop you doing it again? Statistically it is proven that once an incident like this has taken place it is more likely to happen again.
I do wonder if, had I stayed, the situation would have escalated and I would now be dealing with someone who would be abusive and yet safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t leave. As it turns out I will never know because I did leave and I didn’t give it the opportunity to become a habit.
People in established abusive relationships find it incredibly difficult to leave. It may mystify many people as to why this is but the issue is extremely complex and should not be handled with such insensitivity that if they don’t leave then it is their own problem or that non-acceptance of help is acceptance of the situation. I wouldn’t insult their intelligence by pretending I have any insight into their situation.
But if anyone reads this and is in the situation I was in, having experienced one incident which “didn’t really count” I would tell them that this is their crossroads, one of the roads bends sharply, and you don’t know what lies around the corner. Unless you walk that road you will never find out, but what is there could be dangerous.
The other road is long and straight, bright and clear, you may have to walk a few miles on your own at first, there may be times when you’re lonely and wondering what the darker road held, but keep walking and you’ll reach where you are supposed to be.
Until next time
Love
SG
X
No comments:
Post a Comment