Picture Perfect

I’ve been doing this online dating thing for a while now, whilst I’m still having lots of lovely chats with people I haven’t had a date in ages! Now whilst this is a little annoying blogwise it's been nice to have a break from it. I will however endeavour to have some dating tales for you in the month or March when sister single and myself finally get around to speed dating.

One of my friends said I should be saying yes to every single date because you never know who you might meet but I can’t, it is too depressing and if I am already pretty sure I don’t fancy them then why waste their time?

I have to say I am probably fussier these days about who I will talk to online since my dates, at times, have been nothing short of disastrous. So I only chat to people selectively, I don’t bother to reply to those who don’t interest me anymore simply to avoid conversations like the following

Man whom I have nothing in common with/don’t find attractive:

Hi gal_single

I really liked your profile, perhaps we can get together for a coffee, perhaps tomorrow?

Let me know either way

Ed

My response several months ago would have been a nice polite email expressing that I was thankful for the message but didn’t feel that, from his profile, we would be suited. A thanks but no thanks dressed up essentially. However the countless numbers of emails I then got asking “Why?”

Well would you, dear internet dating man, really like me to tell you why, from your profile, I don’t want to meet up with you? Despite not even having conversed, why I am completely unconvinced that we would get on?

I doubt it, I doubt you really want me to explain that some of your comments in summary of your personality turned me off or that your supposed age made me laugh out loud because it is clearly bullshit? Or that some of your photo’s scared me too much, or to the other extreme, left me with no idea of what you actually looked like.  

So now, rudely or not, I don’t reply. However so not to totally ruin my dating karma I have decided to dedicate this blog to explain some of the most simple things that can put a woman off your profile, Firstly, your pictures….

The Ex Factor

Do not under any circumstances use pictures with women in them and then use the paint facility on your PC to scribble out their faces (As demonstrated by myself and Dom)

Women will naturally assume this is your ex and (because women are like this) over analyse your scribble, take it to mean you are not over her and write you off. It is so easy to crop a picture, even if you don’t have software that will, save it as a facebook profile pic and crop it to use as a profile pic, you can then save it to your PC and delete it from facebok if you don't want it on there.  

Animals

They say never work with animals or children and to be honest the former should always be left out of your profile pictures. I would be tempted to say leave children out too but I know I may face a backlash here.

Using animals to appear cute and cuddly or to have a caring side (e.g. cradling a bunny) seems a bit strange. If your dog really does mean the world to you by all means mention it in your profile but lay off the photos of you canoodling with your pet. Any pictures of your dog licking your face should not only be banned from your profile but burned from all existence. Jay Jay will just have to have his moment in the spotlight on my blog instead...  

Kids

It’s just a little distasteful to me to parade your children on your profile as if to say “look at what my balls produce!” But it is your choice and I won’t judge. Just don’t blame me when their mother finds out and kicks off, after all how would you feel about her putting their pictures on a dating site so she could score?

And definitely without doubt do not put pictures of children that are not your own on any internet site, ever, without the explicit consent of the parent. Even if it is your niece/nephew –you simply don’t have the right to do this.

Blue shirts

Now I’m going to generalise here but at least 7/10 of every man online has a picture like this on their profile so ask yourself the following:

1.    Are you wearing a blue, collarless shirt in the picture?

2.    Is the backdrop white?

3.    Are you not smiling?

4.    Is the lighting slightly dim?

If you answered yes to any of these you probably look like an escaped mental patient in the photo, honestly. You are not applying for a passport, you want to date right? Avoid the prison blue shirt and smile a little! Please!  

Windows To The Soul

Women have various means of making themselves look doe eyed, it’s makeup trickery. Of course gents you would look a bit daft in this kind of get up if you are in fact not a transvestite.

However I have noticed that an alarming amount of men have this crazy scary eye thing going on, like they have read an article about body language and taken it too literally. Gone are the days when you used to have to prop your eyes open with cocktail sticks to ensure they wouldn't be closed for the flash.

Try to keep your face as natural as possible, my drama teacher once did an exercise which proved useful - smile, then let your mouth drop out of the smile, but keep the smile in your eyes, trust me it really works. Don’t open your eyes so wide that you look like a someone who has been arrested for a crystal meth related indiscretion.    

Come Up To Mine?

Women notice details, on the whole more than men. So the background of any picture you put out there should probably be at least glanced at before you make the decision to post it.

Most sites moderate their photographs and take out anything that is outside their policy; however there is no moderation for stupid. Messy backgrounds, showing your unmade bed or disgusting living room will only put women off. 

Sporty or Posh?

Lastly, does every man in the world snowboard? If you are going to include photos of your latest lads holiday make sure you also enclose some of your actual face, not in ski goggles, not in a mask, but your face as God made you, you are less likely to get a woman to go out with you if all of your photos are from 10 feet away and with your face covered in various sports equipment.

It’s a real shame I don’t get to see the women’s profiles online, I’m dying to know how many duck faced, tangoed, bikini clad women there are, if anyone has any screen shots of their profile disasters they would like to share then feel free, all personal information will be kept anon!

Love

SG

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